the joe head theory

ab·stract {for adj. ab strakt', ab'strakt; for n. & vt. 2, ab'strakt; for vt. 1, ab strakt'} adj. ||< ab(s)-, from + trahere, to draw || 1 1thought of apart from material objects 2 expressing a quality so thought of 3 theoretical 4Art not representing things realistically -n a summary. -vt. 1 to take away 2 to summarize - ab·stract'ly adv.


   What?
   Are you kidding me?
   I thought you knew. You can't test me, fool--especially at this writing thing. I will simply blast you. Jump up, and you get beat down. That's the rule.
   Sucker!
   Like a former confidant of mine said back in '91, "If you want to battle, I suggest you check your clock. Your demise is comin' up, and I want your man to watch."
   Prepare to catch the proverbial "L," and an internet eye-jack.

   No, not you dear reader. You got the email, and now you're reading my stuff. You're cool. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for this punk motocross dude, Joe--the moron whose mantra must be "I don't know who I'm messing with." This mental giant in a helmet and goggles, stepped to me over the weekend with a simple, yet simpleton, feedback email:

   "Hey loser, there's only 1 Joe Head on the web!
   www.user1.netcarrier.com/~juhl/joehead.htm."

   At first, I thought this was some sort of prank. But, when I looked at the source of the email, I found that it was not sent by one of the myriad jokers that I surround myself with.
   Then I went to the website.
   A single picture popped up on the screen. It was the torso of this guy Joe, in motorcycle gear. Very random, to say the least. But, more importantly, the moto photo presented me with precious little fodder for a counterattack on Joe in response to his email. My only options were "four eyes," or "nice hat," and neither one packed much firepower in a scenario that I deemed war from the moment I read that email.
   After initially settling on the double whammy comeback of "nice hat, four eyes," I decided to check into the host site where the picture was posted from--by analogy, what purpleprose.com is to my The Joe Head Theory pieces.
   Bingo.
   By removing "joehead.htm" from the end of the website that four eyes emailed to me, I stumbled upon a gold mine. The sheer ridiculousness of the site made it seem as though it was created as some sort of gag. To my absolute joy, it wasn't.
   Not only did www.user1.netcarrier.com/~juhl/ give me everything I could possibly need for a column taking this obviously deranged motorcycle hick to task, it also shows all those who have questioned the utility/hilarity of my groundbreaking hot-rod parody that I really was on point when I wrote it. There are people out there like that.

   Ah, where to begin?
   The website's name is "The Crazy ATV Web Page," and it's a real gem. Believe me, I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. The background of the site is a wallpaper version of a picture of some guy falling off his four-wheeler, and into the mud, as another guy on a four-wheeler drives by.
   I swear I saw the video version of that on Hee-Haw as a kid, but I think that may have been pig racing. It was a long time ago.
   Anyway, at the top of the page are two pictures--one of a rider taking off his helmet, and the infamous "joe head" picture that started this whole mess. Under the pictures--no lie--is the flashing phrase "Ride on," followed by not one, not two, but three exclamation points.
   Wow--Or, should I say, Wow!!! It really doesn't get much better than that.
   Just kidding. Actually, it does get better, much, much better--a quick glance at the bottom of the page reveals the 22 point, bright yellow inquiry "Hey, Who Loves Yamaha's [sic]," but I'm getting way ahead of myself.
   Right under the fervent mandate that those viewing the site "Ride On," are two pictures of shiny, just-washed pick-up trucks. Click on the trucks and you are sent to a page with even bigger pictures of said shiny trucks, under the title, "Chev [sic] vs. Ford." That one's just too easy, and since I enjoy a challenge, I'll just move on.
   Next in this parade of the preposterous comes the main focus of the site, under the heading "Amazing ATV Action Photos." Next to the heading is what appears to be the senior picture of my arch-nemesis Joe's girlfriend, Alicia. Click on Alicia's picture and you get pictures of her . . .you'll never guess . . . riding an ATV.
   In addition, there's four links to choose from in the "Amazing ATV Action Photos" section--note that only one of these sections contains Photos, and none contain "Amazing" photos: First, is the customary "Thumbnail Gallery of Amazing ATV Pics." Nothing much new to report from this part of the site--although some in the ATV community predicted that dirt would soon overtake good ol' fashioned mud as the terrain of choice amongst ATVers, mud is still the way to go from the looks of these pictures.
   The "Amazing ATV Pics" section is followed by--again, I'm not joking--a section entitled, "Check out This Video Clip of Brad Crashing." Next is the ever-popular "Mods Done To The Quads" section of the site, which is conveniently broken into two sub-sections: "Mods To My Quad," and "Mods To Jim's Quad." Here we learn that both of our boys have installed "pipe silencers" and "ram valves." Take from that what you will.
   Last, but certainly not least, under the "Amazing ATV Action Photos" heading is a section entitled "Some Technical Advice." Here Joe gives readers a detailed heads up on, among other things, "Carb Jetting."
   "The Crazy ATV Web Page" ends with a bang. Its "Links" section connects the viewer to numerous resources to make his/her experience on a quad more enjoyable/muddy. Key here is a link to Steel Riders, described as--may god be my witness--"The Emag for manly ATVers!"
   As I glanced at a link to "Matt's Sand & Dirt Junkie Page" I almost lost my cool (I've told those tabloid people a thousand times that I kicked the habit of freebasing sand and dirt following an admittedly rough junior year at college, and I've been clean ever since. I didn't go through the intervention process, the rubber suits, and the two weeks of puking my brains out for nothing. And it's not fair that some two-bit, HTML kid can stay up late a couple of nights and create a scandalous website with all sorts of new allegations and anonymous sources). But, I was relieved to find that the site description notes only that "Matt is ready for the sand or dirt on his quad!!"--ATVers apparently have a thing for exclamation points--and isn't even about me. So, strike that stuff in the parenthesis, and don't listen to the whispers of the jealous bastards trying to bring me down.

   Anyway, Joe, buddy, here's the thing. I have no problem with you and your world of mud, pick-ups, and exclamation point excess. Hell, you seem happy. And, in all honesty, your ugly mug is getting the better of the deal with the whole Alicia thing.
   But, do me a favor. Test me no more, my friend.
   You see, I have no qualms about turning The Joe Head Theory into a column focused singularly on dissing you, your bike, your truck, your girl, mud, exclamation points, and everything else that you and your cronies hold sacred. Believe me, you don't want that.
   So, just heed my email punk.
   I'm sure you've gotten my email by now. Not the "four eyes" one. That one was dumb. I tried to retrieve that after sending it, but I couldn't get it back. Anyway, not that one. Ignore that one. I mean the other one. The email where I said the mean stuff, and said that you need to watch who you step to. Yeah, that one.
   Heed that one punk.

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